Calamity.
I wanted to put that as the title, but i typed breadcrumbs instead (obviously as per above...yeesh).

This past week turned my personal pot active, with mixes of brew - good and bad.
Things have subsided regarding my work. Like the wind, it blew away and its now under the rug. That's no less any reason to mess it again. I hoped to god i have truly learn my lesson. Whoever said life's a lesson wasn't kidding. You have to really fuck up to be able to take that needed step forward. Moving forward. I can't help but think about that line these past months. I believe we move forward better with mistakes than good deeds. Good deeds a dime a dozen.

But no. I blog today about several incidents that rained on me.

Work aside (yes, i'm still invisible...save Gtalk moments...yeesh), social life got a stir when meeting new friends, i meet...more new friends. My burning light of romance got a slow, but needed kickstart. I am now at a crossroad between two people. There's another? yes. how unfortunate that they're good friends. I've decided to follow my heart instead of my head. So far, my head's getting more action than my heart. Its frustrating to act cool and pretend to not feel disturbed about the fact that nothing seems to progress! I vowed never to be the needy one, but..is it wrong to feel it? to want to be called? I love my space and always want my own time...but everyday i look at my phone and wonder if i would sms, would i get a reply?...as in this century!! and not when i HAPPEN to meet up! And then there's the other one....i'd like to keep my options open and thread strategically.

Another part of my past came haunting in. Being contact-ignorant has been...well, a welcoming hand to my life. To move on...forward, and not dwell on the past. It was always worked out. Ignore, evade, but be on the look out. And life will continue without unnecessary dents. I'm good at it. I've bitterly had practice....but it seems this one is hard to ignore...There will always be one blissful day where my mind would not wonder about her. One...Random...Time...and when it happens, Boom! There it is!! I leave for one moment...and it lands right on my lap! Laws of attraction? is this included??? Its painful really. I feel stupid, degraded, and filled with sorrow. Everything comes flowing in like Beerfest. I left when i took cue and yelled to the top of my lungs in the car. I hate it! I hate it all! ...ironically, hours before, i was rolling my eyes on a little book about friendship. Pure lies...still miss them dreadfully...i can never understand myself about it.

I received a haunting news...regarding my mom and it kills me to know...i can't say it here...but what you should know is i have to put my dream summer trip on hold as of now. I have to be wary of my spendings...and hold on to my job for dear life. And the year hasn't even ended yet...sigh...

 

Miserable. Thats how i feel now. Miserable...and suddenly...very very lonely.

I have been deemed as such today by my team head.
I was caught off-guard, but irritated by my lack of tact that started all this. Naturally, i remind myself day after day that when you're in office, you stand alone regardless of how unity holds a strong team together like glue. And as how i'm turning more accepting, i have to learn the painful way of how naive i can get.

Details will be sketchy, but i dare say that my attitude isn't rubbing well with most. Nat gets me, though i have no qualms between our work-ethics. I will state my ground on something here:

I have been brought up in closed quarters to learn that life outside is rough, and margin for error is always a step away. I have to be hardworking to get what i want, be level headed, and smart (not wise) about living. And because of my environment, i have adapted an attitude that suits my needs, which is to question. I question everything that happens in life. Why? Why Why?

I thought questioning would bring me to a more understanding level of things. To rise above a situation, knowing the answer of any wrong doing, or reward that comes along with it. People around me often catch this particular 'addiction' and i guess i am thankful that they haven't reached a point that they want to strangle me in my sleep...or my solitude from their lives was so i won't piss them off anymore...Yes, another trait i caught on, which is to back off before it gets worse.

This 'question-addiction' has thus landed me in the hot seat today. I'm surprised i'm not fired to say it straight. But stubborn as i am, i have my own personality to live with.

And inquiring why through sms can surely spin out of control. The gift that is subjective sms...or as 'she' puts it "double-meaning". I still wonder what she means by it really. "double-meaning" from my side or from both sides? I was facing a loosing battle the moment i heard "more workload than you" in this discussion meet. Well, i'm fucking sorry if asking why was a Work-Ethic-Sin.

Yes, pull rank in my face - and 'workload', but i found it downright bias for a higher rank newb to complain about a really reduced workload to top his two projects that he shares with my other teammate. She deserves your seat more than you. She gets her side done along with the two other projects she's helping with. I just wanted to know why can't you live up to your rank and at least be half great as she is...Well, i didn't state it like so. It was more 'why' with a statement of her handlings...

Yes yes, i wasn't tact with my sms. i should have said i would accept it first followed by questioning(i didn't mind, just wanted a valid explanation and proof that you could at least try to do your own load...)

So, there you have it. Oh, along with a 'this-is-why-i-don't-give-ask-you-to-help-me-because-of-your-attitude' tone...and words...This just makes me ill to my stomache. The type of ill-feeling that makes me want to gut a sofa to feel better. We are all sheeps in the end.

"pick up that shit!"
"yes sir."
"pull that house!"
"yes sir, right away sir."
"piss backwards and don't spill."
"yes sir."

Is this how progress is made? There will always be 'the sheep' and the 'bow-peep'. Which one are you?
Frankly, i love meat, so i don't want to be one.

In other news, i'm still a broken semi-dry fauset.

Fasting Report:

I suck.
I woke up late.
I was grumpy.
I was loud.
I was easily agitated.
I was selfish.
I was horny. (...random.......yea...)
Hope i can do better...

Sorry guys.