A whirl wind of events unfolded right before All Hallow's Eve comes knocking.
Old flames lit bright and warm in my heart, and then with one FALSE move from my part, the candle turned idle. What a wreck i was. I felt guilty, smug, and worried all within one night. My pursuits for the better proved to be a dead end and i finally decided to keep this in my black box once again. For the best.
However, last night brought havoc of the damned and charmed.
Everything went smooth sailing until ONE clumsiness brought the deck of tarot cards flying amok! My last post...did you see? Yes, same shit - different story. How could i have been so careless to not final check my work before i ran for my life to the library?? My trust backstabbed my own back, and now that visible scar has been seen and heard from in the whole Team...
BH, i don't care about that. Once two group heads called me, i was shouting at my own idle phone. "Go on! Go ahead! Just call me already!" i mocked. I was waiting for the call from my group head. "Bring it on!" I was fed-up. It seems i can't escape a brand that is so obviously stamped on my forehead with Elephant Glue. What build stupidity over my guilt and surrender was the call from Big Boss...It made me feel like a disappointing protege.
One night in KL made me feel better towards the end of the night. One jubee, Palete Palette, and Beef Ball Noodle Soup later, i was content and carefree. An unexpected message came in and i felt braver again. Never the less, i was dreading the following morning....
And the following morning was...late. I ran into fewer people than imagined, but that didn't stop my old feelings from clouding my view. Anxiety, worried, self-disappointment...Nat was right. My group head decided to take the 'high road' and ignore me. I had to hand her my work and she blattantly erased me. Frustrated with her choosen personality, i walked away whispering (i hope she heard me), "And they call me childish..."
I also discovered a company soon to be active policy that will make my assumptions a reality...Retrenchment...i kid you not. I was PnCo's told about the new shock wave thats about to get an unexpected Gilotene...a cut down of 150 in a 500 member. The more she told me, the more i felt like she was talking about me...about the criterias of retrenchment...Temps, Interns, Freelancers are first to go...then the Perms...with criterias...
This is it. The Moment of Truth.
In the next two months....i have to try to watch myself...doesn't seem like it was doing any good to begin with, however, i have decided to keep my head strong. Show them all the reflection they want to see but hide my mirror that reflects my dark clouds that tringle droplets of despair and self-doubt...
Its all on me now...All...on me...
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